Recessed Man

Compelling data suggests the recession has put American Man in deep trouble.  Anecdotal evidence alone paints a grim portrait of a shrinking, emasculated Joe Six-pack or Joe Single Malt, diminished in status and earning, ego and pride. 

Once there was a time, before the recession, when the worst humiliation a man could suffer was losing his hair.

Now he’s losing his job.  His house.  Car.  And now we learn he can’t even afford to buy new underwear.  That means the real stain on this economy, gentlemen, is in your pants.  What further indignities must you, American Man, endure?

Ask your dog.  American Man’s best friend -- the one you kicked to the curb because you couldn’t pay for kibble.  Or the dog you didn’t give up to a shelter is – according to the anecdotal evidence and those who collect it, whoever you are – great anecdoddlers – you’ve let that dog go ungroomed because the price of haute dog bath buffer with tea tree oil is way too steep.

So with no dog, job, house, car, hair, or tighty-whities without holes, look down.  Your shoes are a mess.  Cobblers have never been busier, according to shoe data collectors, repairing your worn out soles.  And when you look into the mirror at your soulless face, it’s covered in hair because – according to beard trimming statistics – you can’t even afford to shave.

From head to toe you’ve gone from Gordon Gecko to Grizzly Adams:  your face is hairy, your undies are scary.  What more can you lose American Man but your will to reproduce…

And so you get a vasectomy.  Up 30% in some parts of the U.S. according to those whose business it is to take the measure of a man’s business.  You can’t afford a dog let alone a child.  And if it’s killing your marriage, the data suggests you’ll stay married and miserable – according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers – 37% of which report a downturn in divorcing couples. 

When love dies, lawyers can be expensive.  So if you do wind up in court, chances are you’ll be defending yourself – so says new data collected from family courts.

These are either terrible days for American Man or very busy days for journalists thinking of new ways to tear him down, and reduce him to a hapless blob of economic indicators…anecdotally-speaking.

So, American Man, if you do happen to find yourself with no job, house, car, dog, capacity to impregnate your wife in the marriage you can’t afford to escape, standing unshaven before a family court judge in tattered undies, shoes, and defending yourself…sack up, hold your head high, and have hope -- it just might be one, big coincidence.

Comments

[Kirsten]

So basically, the recession has been a perfect form of population control...? I heard your report on NPR today, The Health Care Debate Is Making Me Sick! You're brilliant! I took note and am now purusing your stuff. Thank you!